Existential Meltdown

Wowwwwwwwww

2011-02-14T17:55:00.001-08:00

So. Life. Fucking weird. Thank baby Jesus and whoever for Megan and Jamin.
Anyway. I have a new apartment. It rocks. My emotions, not so much. I'm worse than I was, I think. But, I'll get better. I just wish I knew wtf was going on.

I had another awkward sex dream about Joe and Dacey. Haha. I think I ruined my friendship with Kyle. And being vegan is going well.

Er.... Woo?

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She's got the look.

2011-02-08T10:20:00.001-08:00

Well. The last little bit has been..... eventful. Sort of.
I moved into my new apartment. It's pretty awesome.

I do get super lonely though.
Jeremy is my only friend whom has made any effort to come see my place.
And I can't figure out how to change the input on my tv. So I can't even watch a movie. Or play playstation.

I wish I had like, a booty call. Or at least an on call snuggle buddy. Things are so so so so so so so weird lately.
I feel like dating Erik for that long has made me somewhat socially and emotionally inept.

All of our mutual friends seem to kind of be avoiding me. A lot.

Ugh. I am just grumpy grumpy. And Courtney Love has been a complete bitch cat.

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Why Do You Never See Any Cockney Goths?

2011-01-28T11:48:00.001-08:00

They're too cheerful. Ruin it for the rest of us.

Baha. I love Noel Fielding. A lot.

Anyway. Did a lot of thinking. I'm going to try to not get down with boys unless I know for sure it's a good idea. I am not going to let, or ask boys to, fiddle around with my bits. I am going to try to play with only girls until I get my weirdness sorted out.

I'm not going to call it a failure if I do spend a night with a guy, but only if it is not a horrid idea, and if I have a good time.

In other news, I am the proud owner of a Wild Zero dvd. Lock n LOLL!!!!

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Bonafied Lovin'

2011-01-23T23:33:00.001-08:00

It's interesting how ex boyfriend from when I was 15 seems to be one person whose conversation I perpetually enjoy.

I need a booty call. Preferably one with an actual phone.

My sex drive has been fucking ridiculous. Frealz.

I am such a cluttery jumble of a person. My drinking is getting a bit out of hand. I don't even know what I want anymore. Aside from alcohol. And attractive people. And video games.

UGH. So grumpy! Check out this awesome text I received:

"dont blame yourself. you thought i was a level 56 mage class elf. anyone would have sent a picture of their peirced nip nips!"

BAHAHAHAHA.

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There and Back Again

2011-01-23T13:52:00.001-08:00

So..... hrmmm... Made sexy time/spent the night with a certain nerd boy again. It was.... enjoyable, if not absolutely incredible. I mean, he's lovely and fun, but, a tad inexperienced. And fucking hot. Ugh. So frustrating.

I kinda feel like most of my friends are just keeping their distance... which sucks. I rather enjoy my friends.

I cannot wait to be 21.

Also... Joe is awesome, and highly attractive.... but, I wish Kyle was a more viable option. Dammit.

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oh Wowzers

2011-01-18T22:49:00.001-08:00

Best oral of my life this morning. Wowwwwwwwww.

I mean, it was very excellent. But lacked a certain something.

Well, anyway. Rockin.

P.s. I get what I want, bitches.

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Ooooohhh Jeeeeeeezzzzzz

2011-01-17T14:41:00.000-08:00

Giddy God's trousers.
Liiiiife. You are silly.
I want, and like, what I want, and like, when i want, and like, it!
OKAY?!

Anyway. I have pictures of pokebra.

Hell. I hope someone appreciates it.

eifishajwketyvyjvooajebrfkziajqjrog

2011-01-16T17:37:00.001-08:00

Well. Elation, followed by misery, followed by elation, followed by elation at being with a certain person, followed by worry, and by being belated... which leads to sadness.

Why is it so wrong to do what makes me happy? Because this makes me happy. I am very, very happy with recent happenings. I kinda hella dig 3 of the people at that house...

But daaayyyyyuuuummmmm. Joe is fucking hot. And gives an incredible massage. And, you know, is super fucking hot. Butterflies and such!!!!!

I hope I don't fuck everything up. And, I hope these people continue to be my friends. They make me feel exciting and wanted.

Now, to decide what I should do tonight......

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Wowzers.

2011-01-15T13:51:00.001-08:00

Last night was fucking EPIC. So much whiskey. So much Kpop. So much craziness. So much....... sexy time with Joe Graham while Jurassic Park was on? I also got a bitchin massage. And all sorts of other nice bits of attention. Woke up for a snuggle and some Jersey Shore before work. I'm quite elated.

That boy is delish. And has a lot of anime.

My Pokeball bra was a success!!!

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Heartache By The Number

2011-01-13T17:18:00.001-08:00

I, once again, reiterated to Erik how I need freedom to explore myself right now. He, once again, was having none of that. However, in the bit of time I had before a meeting, I just told him how I am going to do things, and that is that.

I feel bad... and, I do love Erik... but, I need to take care of myself.

Ughhh, I'm so worried and nervous.

On a brighter note, I watched some delightfully violent movies with Taylor and her roommate Fort last night. It was excellent! Going back tomorrow. Yippee!

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OMG

2011-01-12T17:05:00.001-08:00

OMG OMG OMG FFSMML! Help! I am on the rack of red bottomosity.... girdy loins girdy loins.....

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Our Lord Sandra... FFSMML!!!!

2011-01-12T11:41:00.001-08:00

I like that my phone recognizes FFSMML as a word.

So I had a rather.... um.... disturbing, if not, in some ways pleasant dream.

I dreamt that Nephew's baby mama killed him, then herself, and I found them dead in a truck near Springville....
Afterward, I was very distraught, but Erik was like, ignoring the fact, and went off with Sher'l.
So, in my distraught mind, I made Jamin pick me up in a helicopter that shot fire (?), and we partied. Then I made sexy time with a certain boy who lives at the HQ and a certain female roommate of his. Christy walked in in the middle, because she was mad that I hadn't put my taco wallet in my vag as a "surprise".......?

Jesus.

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weird.

2011-01-11T13:43:00.001-08:00

I DO still like guys.
Weirdy weird weird.
I love Erik... but...
I need to see other people.
And I want to see other guys, too.
I'm curious.
I wish I could have the freedom I've given Erik. But.... things are always on his terms.

My friends are not receptive when I need to talk about it as of late.

Ugh.

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Kosher?

2011-01-09T03:07:00.001-08:00

Well, Greg's pre-birthday was a success. Normalcy has thus far alluded me.

My life is an absolute mess. I don't even know what to do about it.

I feel so absolutely dissociative.
I haven't been this crazy, or ill, in quite some time. I've been going through the motions, but, things are not the same.

Something changed when Erik decided he was "in love" with that girl. And I don't think I can fix things.

I know the logical choice would be to just move out, and do something new.

But I don't know what I should do.

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Liquor'd Up

2011-01-02T15:22:00.001-08:00

Well. Things have been odd. Erik broke the other girl's heart, then promptly was a complete asshole to me.

So I made out with a guy, whose name is apparently Joe Graham. Also, apparently, he's Dan Duckett status teenage provo high girl dream material.

I seem to crush teenage dreams. A lot.

I was displaying Glaciosity. Maybe too much. I told said boy I didn't want to have sex with him. And that he couldn't touch my vag. He did have nice hair, and some rather nice formal wear.

Christ Why and I discussed the happenings at the mall. We are like Clueless, without all of the money.

The trip to the ER for Christ Why's gallbladder was... eventful. Haha. Hazen danced to NSYNC.

Noise music with Erik and Greg is fun! I'm beginning to despair hardcore of Erik and I repairing our relationship any time soon.

My emotions and psychological business is a bit on the fritz. Thank baby Jesus, and the pharmaceutical industry, for Prozac.

Also.... Fallout New Vegas. I am in love.

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It's been a while?

2010-11-27T19:39:00.000-08:00

So, lots has happened!

Erik decided we need to take a "break" (meaning, we're not dating) so he can figure out his weird emotions.
Which is fine.
We still live together? Haha. Luckily the place has 2 bedrooms.
Things are going decently. I've been having fun, but, I hope things get back to somewhat normal soon.
I kinda feel like Erik's brothers don't want to hang out with me because of this? They won't really talk to me.

Ooooohhhh, well. I've been hanging out with, and nailing, my friend Cassidy. Good times. We dressed up like sexy cats last night and made hard cider. It was delicious. And ridiculous. The whole night/early morning was excellent, really.

Of course I get a tad upset and jealous of Erik's girl he's kinda seeing... Like... I dunno. It seems a bit different to be "in love" with someone else than to just enjoy having friends that you occasionally get down with. Which is how this all began....

Wellll, in other (better) news, I had my nipples pierced this evening! The jewelry is really pretty. Koi is a pretty awesome place. It felt nice to not be totally skeezed on by the person piercing me. My barbell things have cute sky blue opals. :D I will post pics, courtesy of my friend Ty Ty!

Silver Screen Shower Scene

2010-11-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

I really must say.... Normal things just do not happen to me.

Yesterday, for instance:
So there's this girl I've been kinda flirting with online and via text.
She happens to be the older sister of a girl I used to work with.
She also happens to work at this waxing salon that does something called a "VAJAZZLE"
And, yes, it is exactly what it sounds like.
Seriously. Click this.

Anyway, she does massages there certain days of the week.
It was a good price, and I was really ouchy and stressed....
Soooo.....
Yep. Met mysterious internet woman for a massage.
It was excellent.
There was, sadly, no "happy ending".
But she did mention wanting to have tequila sometime.

I also began rollerskating on a whim last night, and have decided, on a whim, to tryout for roller derby.
I'm almost certain I will not make it this try out.... But, as I now have my own skates, I can practice whenever.
Sooo..... I'm in need of skating buddies to accompany Miranda and I in our adventures.

p.s. My ass feels ridiculously firm after last night, even considering the bruises.

Beyond Thunderdome

2010-11-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

I realize that the "open relationship" status is strange.
It weirds people out.
I get that.
I just don't know how else Erik and I would deal with our weird vanity issues without it.

But at what point does a relationship go from "open" to "polyamorous"?
And, how do you know if you're okay with that?

I just really don't know....
The last little while has been.... strange, to say the least.
I want so badly to leave Utah.
But.... Do I really?
That would mean leaving my friends, my excellent, enjoyable, decently paying job...
My family.
Am I ready for that? I'm only 20.
I feel like I have so much left to do here.
I want to be involved, and make this a better place for other young queer people to grow up in.
I want to be in a position to make enough money to travel to a few places that i REALLY want to go to.

I'm probably just in a weird slump, because I forgot to have my Vitamin P refilled, and have gone without anti-depressants for 2 days.
I'm seriously considering asking my doctor for something a bit.... stronger.
I love the P, but, I don't know that it's cutting it anymore.

Then, of course, there is a counter-point.
I don't like feeling... "addicted."
It sounds silly, and lame, but... If I don't have it for a few days, I do get sick, and achy,and shaky,
and irritable.
The only time this has happened to me before is when I took too many diet pills for a while.
I quit that all on my own, and haven't had trouble since.
However.... the anti-depressant seems to be something so needed in my life.
I hate depending on 2 little pills.

I hate........... Most things right now.

I hate that my boyfriend has another girl, due to our relationship.
Not because I'm mad that he likes her... but....
That I'm jealous. I don't have that.
I have... Me. Video Games. Cats.
Clients.
That's me, right now, in a nutshell.
I am far too histrionic to deal with this not feeling wanted.
I suppose there is not much of a demand for girls like me, anyway.
I don't say that to sound mopey... It's just true.
At least for the demographic I WANT to want me.
That demographic being pretty, girly girls.
I'm just... I dunno.
Not what they want.
Maybe I'm too fat, or too pretentious, or too needy.
I dunno.

I'm just rather sick of everything as of late.

Or maybe I am just hopped up on too much Theraflu/cold medicine.

FML. FMF'ingL!

Well, no, not really.... Unless you happen to be a pretty girl.
Teeeeheeeeee.

Back-room Jews

2010-11-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

Christ Why and i were made to drink our alcohol in the back room, because Erik and Greg were having Man Time in the living room.

Talk turned to Erik and Greg saying that we Jews didn't have toilets, something about Anne Frank, and shitting in bowls...

I got a little Coppercab up in that bitch.

I just wanted to drink with black people!

2010-10-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

So uh........ Got a little belligerent last night.... And by a little, I mean A LOT.
I JUST WANTED SHER'L AND TORREN TO DRINK WITH ME!

Apparently, threatening to eat their entire cake, and threatening to slit your wrists and bleed all over them is NOT the way to convince black people to drink with you.

In other Madison news, my kitty cat Keanu was missing.... And we found the little asshole in Dan's back room. Nobody knows how he got there. Meth Guy Mischief is suspected.

I actually do have a cut from the knife I stumbled around with last night.... I mean, it's on the wrong side of my wrist.... But, as Christ Why says, it's all for effect.

Post-Attempted Meth Guy Destruction

2010-10-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

So, we may have won the battle, but lost the war.
Still no ideas on how to get rid of Meth Guy....

In other, more exciting news, the joke craigslist ads we posted yesterday have gotten a TON of traffic and replies! Teeheee. They were the ones about the Haggard Queen, and Stuff Me, if you didn't know.

I know it's juvenile... but.... Juvenile things are funny!
Like bathroom humor! It's hilarious! Even Germans laugh at farts!

Pics from the Rally to Destroy Meth Guy!

Just thought I'd share......

2010-10-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

So, I would like to share some craigslist ads.
I hope you enjoy them. :)

1.Haggard Old Queen
2.Rim n' Swim
3.Right up Christ Why's alley...
4.I'm speechless.
5.Eat your panties off?

I need to be done with craigslist today....
I should probably also not watch SnookTV.

Why am I so awesome?

2010-10-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

I began my day off with The Human Centipede, and the Champagne of Beers.

Progressed to Turkish pop videos.

And now I've been watching SnookTV in my pajamas for an hour and a half.

OMG ITZ LYKE MUH LYFE!

Good Evening

2010-10-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

I love online shopping while at work.

One of my clients earned a trip to the fire station.
YAY!

This Friday is the Rally to Destroy Meth Guy.
I hope it is a success.
A drunken success, at least.

Watching The Biggest Loser with my clients makes me feel sick about myself.
I didn't seem to lose any weight while walking EVERYWHERE all day long in Turkey and Bulgaria in September.
Ugh.

I have a girl-date on Thursday. Hopefully.

I think I'm going to try out for roller derby, as well.
What do you think?
I need physical activity that I enjoy.

My life is so boring and mundane today.
I don't know what I want.
Ugh.

I suppose it is technically Monday...

2010-10-18T02:27:00.000-07:00

Come one, come all (if you're invited, anyway) to the Rally to Defeat Meth Guy next weekend!

I'm pretty sure Miranda is the only person reading this... and I know she's coming, as Meth Guy is going to plot her murder soon.

I hate when I get home from work suuuuuuper tired, and can't sleep.
I hate that it ALWAYS happens when I have to do something for work the next day to keep up appearances...
It's a lucky thing that I look so good in business casual.

In any case, METH GUY MUST GO!

I know we've been on this kick for about 2 years... but... There was that time during which he was in jail for a REALLY long time, and it was really nice. :D

Greetings.....?

2010-10-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

So.... I'm not going to pretend that I'm an incredible writer, or very interesting... But it'll be nice to type some things out. Beware, if reading this, that I am a highly irrational, emotional, and often-drunk sort of person, and act on ridiculous impulses regularly.

I seem to be living in Provo, Utah because I can't seem to leave my family, my few excellent friends, and my under-paying, but highly satisfactory and very entertaining job. The apartment building I live in (affectionately called "The 451/461" by residents) is.... out of control, and should have its own reality TV show. At one point, the building had 17 cats to 6 apartments. The police and paramedics frequent the building, due to possibly insane neighbors.

Here is a breakdown of the neighbor dynamic:

1. Me! Living with my boyfriend (Erik) of a little over 3 years, and our 2 year old cats (Keanu, Courtney Love, and Beyonce). We are fairly decent people who just like to have fun, get extremely drunk, dress up horribly, and host the occasional couch surfer.

2. Miranda! My maybe, kind of, step-sister, perhaps half-sister to my sisters... See, neither of us know who our fathers are, and both of our mothers happened to be banging the man who is married to my mother in 1990. It's... er... interesting. Anyway, Miranda is another fairly decent person, who is responsible, and doesn't cause drama.

3. Jon and Eric (spelling?). Friendly fellows. I don't know them too well, but, they seem pretty cool. Jon has 3 cats, including the infamous "Skimbleshanks" who used to be the accident-prone porch cat, before he got hit by a car, had to have his jaw re-constructed, and contracted cat herpes... Sometimes, Jon's cats hang out on the roof over the porches, and get in ill-conceived fights with my cats through the window screens.

4. Dan. He's a 60-something year old alcoholic ex-con who is a real sweetie, if completely crazy and odd, at heart. He gets a little creepy when drunk, but is generally respectful. He likes to smoke and drink a 40 on the porch most of the time. He really enjoys Phil Collins, and seems to think my best friend is a reincarnation of Peter Moon. He has a few kids, with a lady named Toni, who will be discussed shortly...

5. Toni! She and Dan were never married, but had a few kids together, and have been friends forever. She's pretty crazy, as well, but is awesome. She likes hearing stories about parties, has 5 cats, a chihuahua named "Peanut", and a turtle. She also really likes pie. One day, she came to bring me some toys for my cats (vibrating hamsters..?), and to tell me she would holler if it is she at my door, so I didn't accidentally open the door for Meth Guy, or one of his friends.

And..... finally....

6. METH GUY! Salty asshole-douche, and scourge of the planet. I have never hated someone so much in my entire life. Everything about him is offensive, annoying, and just fucking stupid. He yells at the "voices" he hears ALL OF THE TIME! He yells just because, ALL OF THE TIME! He listens to really bad nu-metal REALLY FUCKING LOUD! He also seems to think that it is Halloween at Hot Topic in like... 1997 like... all of the time. It's all orange Tripp pants, and long button up shirts. The dumbfuck sells weed to high school students just like, in the driveway. He used to run around in the "yard" in his underwear, smelling of piss, and trying to get people to smoke salvia, until he got arrested for it too many times. You'd think he'd need a good ass-kickin', but, that happens often, and seems to have no effect. He will, on occasion, acquire a whole bunch of baby kitty cats, which he will parade around the building. Slowly, they all start to disappear.... Where, you might ask? HE SAID HE SACRIFICES THEM TO HIS GOD!! This guy is everything that is wrong with America, and the welfare system. He is a grade-a fucking piece of shit.

In fact, the other day, he had music on EXTREMELY loud. So, one of Toni's kids banged on the floor with a broom, and then went and asked him to turn the music down. Meth Guy, being a dumbass of epic proportions, runs upstairs after him, into Toni's living room, AND PUNCHES THE GUY IN THE FACE! IN THE LIVING ROOM. Toni's son is kind of a douche, but, he'd just gotten braces, and had done nothing wrong...

I came waltzing back to my place after a walk, to find 4 police cars, a myriad of police officers, all of the neighbors on the porch yelling, blood spatters... Then a firetruck rolled up.... Then an ambulance... Then everyone started fighting with the police... The landlord showed up, sort of looked around, seemed exasperated, mumbled a bit about leases, and left.

On top of this craziness, the building is literally falling apart. Summer is "flood season", during which the basement apartments just flood constantly. The rain gutter fell off of the back of the building, and is still hanging out, I'm pretty sure. There is a shed out back filled with rotting couches, and stray cats. Homeless people often squat in our parking lot. It's so very, very un-Provo.

It is, of course, the only decent place to get a drink in Provo.